Excerpt from The Art of Game Design by Jesse Schell:
After all that fancy talk, you might be wondering whether game design is really for you. You might have noticed that skilled game designers seem to have a special gift for this work. It comes easily and naturally to them, and though you love games, you wonder if you are gifted enough to succeed as a designer. Well, here is a little secret about gifts. There are two kinds. First, there is the innate gift of a given skill. This is the minor gift. If you have this gift, a skill such as game design, mathematics, or playing the piano comes naturally to you. You can do it easily, almost without thinking. But you don’t necessarily enjoy doing it. There are millions of people with minor gifts of all kinds, who, though skilled, never do anything great with their gifted skill, and this is because they lack the major gift.
The major gift is love of the work. This might seem backward. How can love of using a skill be more important than the skill itself? It is for this simple reason: if you have the major gift, the love of designing games, you will design games using whatever limited skills you have. And you will keep doing it. And your love for the work will shine through, infusing your work with an indescribable glow that only comes from the love of doing it. And through practice, your game design skills, like muscles, will grow and become more powerful, until eventually your skills will be as great, or greater than, those of someone who only has the minor gift. And people will say, “Wow. That one is a truly gifted game designer.” They will think you have the minor gift, of course, but only you will know the secret source of your skill, which is the major gift: love of the work.
But maybe you aren’t sure if you have the major gift. You aren’t sure if you truly love game design…
There is only one way to find out if you have the major gift. Start down the path, and see if it makes your heart sing.
My goal for this week is to add two features to http://www.habit-changer.net http://www.goalmafia.com, the motivational website I’m working on.
1. Be able to set a goal of your choosing (right now you’re limited to just exercise goals)
2. Integrate with Facebook Connect to start using social motivation. i.e. publish your progress and whether you met your goal to your Facebook News Feed so your friends can hold you accountable/cheer you on/heckle you.
The ultimate goal is to be able to see if I can use the site + Facebook to help motivate me to work more on the site itself. aka “uber boot-strapping”
I’ll post an update with the results by 11:59pm (hopefully earlier) on Friday.
Traction is key.
I came to this realization on my jog through Golden Gate Park this morning, when I crossed a wet log and promptly slipped. Running in dry weather, it’s easy to take traction for granted and assume that all you need to get from Point A to Point B is power. WRONG. You need power + traction.
Power without traction can lead to movement, but it is often not in the direction you intend. If you’ve ever had the unfortunate experience of spinning out in a car, you know that sometimes you end up going sideways. Other times, like my log experience this morning, the winning direction is down, as in “falling on your ass”. The bottom line is, all the power and good intentions in the world won’t get you to where you want to go if you don’t have traction.
How people tend to fall on their ass (metaphorically)
It turns out, this lesson can apply to other situations in life where people tend to fall on their ass, metaphorically speaking. Take giving advice, for example. This is one area where I personally have slipped up more than my fair share of times. Here’s a typical scenario:
What happened here? Let’s revisit the key steps in this interaction, imagining that our conversation is a vehicle where I’m behind the wheel. My goal was to steer the conversation vehicle to a certain location, but I failed and we spun out. (The only reason I place myself in the driver’s seat here is because in this scenario I was the one trying to achieve a particular agenda.)
The “Get A Grip” Method
So, how to avoid skidding into a snowbank? First, as they advise drivers, it’s a lot easier to avoid a skid in the first place than to recover from one. Avoiding a skid with someone in the first place would involves a few things.
1. KNOW THE ROAD CONDITIONS: this is how much traction you have with the other person to begin with. How long have you known each other? Have you given each other advice on this subject before? Is the other person a guy or a girl? Guys tend to be a lot more defensive if another guy tries to give them advice without them explicitly asking for it.
2. INITIATE GRACEFULLY: instead of yanking the wheel hard to initiate the turn (“Hey John, I figured out what you should do with your life…”), start the turn gracefully. ASK. “Hey John, I’d like to offer you more than just help and support. Would now be a good time to talk about some ways to move forward?” It’s amazing what you can get away with in life if you just ask for permission first.
Despite your best intentions, you might still find yourself skidding in a conversation with someone you care about. If this happens:
1. DETECT that you are skidding as soon as possible. This should be very easy to do, in theory. All you have to do is become aware that the conversation isn’t going where you want it to and that one or both parties are starting to act upset. In practice, however, this is a lot harder to do. You’re so involved in the conversation itself and getting your point across that it may not occur to you to take a step back until it’s too late.
2. COUNTER-STEER to correct the skid. In driving terms, counter-steer is when you turn INTO the direction of a skid temporarily, in order to allow the tires to regain traction. Once the tires have traction again, you can get back to steering through the turn. Similarly, if your conversation is skidding, you need to temporarily turn towards the skid, away from the desired goal, even though that feels like the last thing you want to do. Going back to the John example, counter-steering could take the form of me saying something like, “Hey John, let’s take a step back for a minute. I can see that I’m coming across like I have all the answers and I’m trying to tell you what to do with you life. I’m sorry about that. Ultimately I only want the best for you.” This kind of language - spoken sincerely - can immediately transform an interaction. Sincerity is clutch here. People are generally good at recognizing when you speak from the heart, and if you are just going through the motions with these words you’ll only make the tailspin even worse.
3. PROCEED CAUTIOUSLY, and only once you have regained traction. It’s usually blatantly obvious when traction has been regained in a conversation. You feel a sense of closeness and empathy with the other person. The ice between you two, just like the ice on the road, will have melted away, and they will be much more receptive to your gently-worded advice.
There you have it - the “get a grip” method, in a nutshell. Incidentally, this method isn’t restricted to just giving advice but could be useful in a wide variety of interpersonal situations: negotiating for a raise, talking to a coworker about a performance problem, or confronting a loved one about a violated expectation. In a future post I’ll describe how to apply this method in some of these examples.
(the pic is an Optomed photo of my left eye, before surgery)
Big news in Curious Jordy land, folks!
Your humble correspondent has just gone in for PRK Laser Eye Surgery so that you, my esteemed readers, get a chance to know what this procedure is all about.
Well, that’s not entirely true. I’ll admit, the main reason I went in to get PRK was to get my eyes fixed because I’m sick and tired of dealing with contacts and glasses all the time. But rest assured, the joy of sharing the experience with my legions of blog fans was not far behind on my list of motivators.
First, the facts…
What/Where/How/When
I went in for a type of laser eye surgery known as PRK (more on the difference between that and Lasik below). My eye doctor (Dr. Ratinoff, in Palo Alto) referred me to Dr. Furlong of Furlong Vision Correction based in San Jose.
I was near-sighted with a prescription of -3.5 and -4 in left and right eye, respectively.
Dr. Furlong came highly recommended - according to the latest U.S. News rankings, he is “miles ahead” of his competition. To be precise, Furlong is reportedly exactly 1/8 of a mile ahead of his competition. (Get it? Furlong… 220 yards… 1/8 of a mile. Ha! And if you think that joke was painful, try getting laser eye surgery! Haha!)
In all seriousness, though, I chose Dr. Furlong for my surgery because 1) he was recommended by my eye doctor, 2) his operation seemed well-run and professional, and 3) he seemed personable and I felt that I could trust him on a gut level. I made this gut level assessment in the few minutes we chatted pre-surgery. In the initial interview, I mentioned that I was considering other doctors and asked him there were any other surgeons he would recommend. If he had gotten defensive or angry, he would have lost credibility in my eyes (no pun intended, this time). But he graciously suggested another doctor at Stanford Hospital. +5 points for Dr. Furlong.
The surgery took place 5 days ago, on December 18. 18 is a lucky number in the Jewish tradition, so I thought I might as well schedule surgery for that day. (Yes, for those who are wondering, I am Jewish. Half-Jewish, technically. What, you couldn’t tell by my nose?)
Laser eye surgery isn’t cheap. At Dr. Furlong’s the cost for my PRK procedure was $5200, although I was able to get it reduced to $4600 because I got some kind of VSP plan deal through my optometrist. That’s definitely a chunk of change upfront. But if I think about paying hundreds of dollars every year or two for glasses and contacts, it makes a bit more financial sense.
PRK versus LASIK
There are two main kinds of laser eye surgery these days: PRK and LASIK. PRK stands for “Photo Refractive Keratectomy” and LASIK stands for “Laser-Assisted In Situ Keratomileusis.” I have no idea what those terms mean, either.
The basic difference as I understand it is that in LASIK, the surgeon will make a small incision in the cornea, creating a “corneal flap”, this flap will be pulled away and then the laser will go to town on the corneal tissue underneath. Whereas in PRK, no corneal flap is made - instead, the surgeon just scrapes away some cells from the top of the cornea and then the laser blasts away. LASIK heals faster than PRK and was my preferred option. The only catch is that because LASIK involves messing with the cornea, you need to have corneas that are thick enough such that there will still be enough left after surgery. Apparently my cornea thickness did not measure up, so I was strongly encouraged/forced to go the PRK route. More info here.
What it feels like to get PRK laser eye surgery
My friend Liz graciously volunteered to drive me to surgery and back. (Thanks, Liz!) She’s in med school, and her only condition for schlepping me down to San Jose and back was that she wanted to see the surgery. I checked with Dr. Furlong’s office and sure enough, they have a waiting room where friends and family can watch the surgery take place. They even have a big screen TV showing my eyeball in hi-def the whole time. Freaky!
On the day of surgery, I showed up, filled out the various forms signing my life away, and was offered to take a mild sedative, which I promptly accepted. Being offered a mind-altering substance in the name of science was just too good an opportunity for Curious Jordy to pass up. Then, I slowly munched on the chocolate which they had offered and waited. And waited. After waiting around for what felt like an hour (and actually probably was an hour), it was my turn to go under the excimer laser knife.
I walked in to the surgery room, waved to Liz, saw Dr. Furlong and two or three assistants, and then laid down on the surgery chair/bed chair. While Dr. Furlong was still friendly, I sensed a very brisk and clinical atmosphere in the room, like him and his assistants were working together as a highly practiced team. There was a hint of warmth when he addressed me and gave me instructions or information (“Now I’m putting in some eye drops”) but overall the attitude was all professional, all the time. Which actually suited me just fine. I’m all for the human touch and for joking around, but if you’re about to zap my eyes with frikkin laser beams, I can do with a little cold professionalism.
My memory as to the exact order of events is a little hazy, but basically what happened is the doctors put in a little device to force my eyes open. Then they subjected me to some kind of psychedelic light show, whose purpose was either to induce an acid flashback or to take some measurements. Then, they gave me a bunch of eye drops of various kinds. The main one being numbing drops, which were important because the next step involved the surgeon literally scraping off the top bits of my eyeball with a glorified spatula. This sounds like it would be a rather horrifying experience, but I actually didn’t feel a thing. I remember seeing him make brushing or scraping motions on my eye, but that’s it. At the time, I didn’t actually realize that’s what was happening, and that’s probably a good thing.
After scraping off the top of my eyeball, it was time for the main event. FRIKKIN LASER BEAMS, PEOPLE! I was pretty excited for this part of the surgery, to be honest. And it didn’t disappoint. I was instructed to keep my gaze focused on the red dot above me at all times. I’m not sure what would happen if I looked away, but I had a vision of my eyeball erupting in a giant laser fireball. So I did my best to stay focused.
Then the laser started doing its thing, and it felt like my eyeball was being pummeled by very tiny little punches or gusts of wind. Pockmarks. The doctor counted up “10… 20 seconds… 30 seconds…” As he counted, I noticed that I was getting less and less able to focus on the red dot above me. I’m not sure what was actually going on with that, but I had the impression that this was due to my eye being reshaped - my point of focus was literally changing in front of my eyes.
Then, the surgery for that eye was over. But, i wasn’t off the hook yet. They then had to wash out my eye with some kind of liquid, maybe just distilled water. The first pass was quite cold, and I could feel my body instinctively try to brace itself as this cold water splashed into my eye. Of course I couldn’t not close my eyelids because the clamp was still in place. Then, they put in some MORE water, and the second time it was even colder. It was cold enough to be a mild shock to my system. I took a couple deep breaths, which seemed to help. Apparently this cold water shock technique is useful for reducing swelling.
Afer that, they covered up the eye with an eye patch and tt was time to rinse and repeat the whole routine for my other eye.
10 minutes later, start to finish, I was done! They took off the bandages and I opened my eyes. I could see! Not perfectly, but already far better than I was able to see before without glasses. I walked out of the surgery room, excited to have survived the scariest part.
After surgery
An assistant gave me a goodie bag with eye drops and instructions. Basically, you get some antibiotic eye drops, some to reduce inflammation, and some all-important lubricating drops. The lubricating drops are critical because apparently the eye’s tear ducts are not working properly while the eye heals, so you need to keep a steady flow of lubrication coming in or the healing won’t happen as well.
It has now been 5 days since the surgery, and my eyes have been getting better slowly. My vision is still far from perfect, and it fluctuates. At times I see quite well, typically right after I put in some lubricating drops, but most of the time my distance vision is not so great still. Apparently this is normal for PRK surgery - it can take several weeks for vision to mostly stabilize, and up to two or three months for it to settle down completely.
The most frustrating part has been my inability to focus on a book or a computer screen until today. I’ve been reduced to sleeping, meditating, listening to audiobooks, and gossiping with friends. It’s been great, but I’m really looking forward to getting back in the swing of things.
I’m happy that today I’ve been able to use a computer again for the first time, although it is still somewhat difficult and my eyes are a little tired from this blog post. On that note, it’s time for me to put in some more of those lubricating eye drops. Stay tuned for a follow-up post when my eyes are rocking again.
Q: How many therapists does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Only one, but the light bulb has to want to change.
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This is the first in a series of posts where I describe some of my experiences, impressions, and takeaways from the Evolution of Psychotherapy conference.
Psychotherapy is a huge and diverse field
This was a MASSIVE conference. 5 days, dozens of speakers, over 150 lectures. I had a chance to hear many smart and passionate people, including Martin Seligman, Ernest Rossi, Marsha Linehan, Dan Siegel, Philip Zimbardo, Jean Houston, Don Meichenbaum, David Burns, and Albert Bandura. There were thousands of conference attendees: therapists, researchers, social workers, students, psychiatrists, psychoanalysts, and about 3 or 4 technologists like myself. :)
Is psychotherapy an art or a science?
It seems there are two major schools of thought in psychology and therapy:
- It’s a science: typically American perspective, focus on behavior, analytics, “Evidence-Based Practice”, e.g. cognitive behavioral therapy (CBT)
- It’s an art: more European/Eastern perspective, more experiential, e.g. psychoanalysis, hypnosis, energy work
To me, this question inevitably leads to others: do humans have a soul? What do we mean by a soul, anyway? Is there a god, or some kind of source of cosmic energy and unity? Is it possible to ask these kinds of questions without sounding like a hippie? Can science and the scientific method play a role in answering these questions?
I found it fascinating to attend a conference where these kinds of questions are raised in an academic setting. That being said, I was disappointed that there was only seminar (to my knowledge) explicitly bringing the two different sides together for a discussion. More debates between the scientists and the artists next time, please!
What I believe, based on my life experience so far, is that both sides contain truth. Focusing on behavior can lead to insights and breakthroughs; so can focusing on the unconscious or the concept of “soul”. Both perspectives are lenses through which you can see reality, and like any lens they can make certain things visible and obscure others. If you want to experience reality in all of its fullness, it helps to have different lenses at your disposal.
A year ago, I would have had a very different answer to this question - leaning much more heavily on the scientific side of things. I’m a programmer and a chess player, and I’ve always seen things in a very rational way. But over the last year, I’ve become convinced that being able to see things rationally, while certainly helpful, doesn’t let me see the whole picture. In particular, in the areas of negotiating and relationships, being rational and right just doesn’t get you very far. So I’ve made conscious efforts to develop or “work out” my emotional/unconscious/intuitive side. Several months into this work, I’ve noticed that at times I am able to understand certain things that used to be totally incomprehensible. (For example, women.) I realize I’m being vague here, and in a future post I’ll elaborate on the specific benefits I have felt from going through this “emotional boot camp”. For now, I’ll leave it by saying that I have become more open-minded in terms of what I feel are viable lenses with which to examine reality.
I love mixing it up
I once ordered a strawberry/vanilla/chocolate milkshake. What can I say? I am naturally drawn to hybrids, to people or examples that draw on different disciplines and bridge the gap: art and science, eastern and western psychologies, psychology and technology.
Some very brief examples, all of which merit posts of their own:
Albert Bandura really knows what he’s talking about
The great thing about going to a huge psychotherapy conference is that you realize that EVERYONE has their own theory for human behavior. There’s a lot of models out there, and it can be daunting. I’m curious how professionals in the field figure out which model to make their own. Maybe there’s a scientific way to do it. Or maybe certain models just FEEL right on a gut level.
That’s how I feel about Albert Bandura and his self-efficacy theory. It just makes sense. I was first introduced to Bandura by my mentor BJ Fogg, who recommended that I read his book “Self-Efficacy: The Exercise of Control.” It’s more of a tome than a book, really. 600 incredibly dense pages, all packed with insight.
At the core, Bandura’s theory advocates that the biggest predictor of someone’s ability to do something is none other than their BELIEF about their ability to do that thing. It’s not how good they actually are at it, how hard it is, or anything else. It’s their belief about their abilities. In Bandura-speak, it’s their “self-efficacy beliefs”.
For example, Bandura conducted a study where people were tested on their ability to handle pain. Two groups of people were given the same painful stimulus, the only difference was that one group was told, “According to our charts, we can tell that can handle pain 50% more easily than the average person” and the other group was told that they handled pain less easily than average. This judgment was completely made up - there were no differences between the two groups. However, when they did the pain test, the group that had been persuaded that they handled pain better in fact DID handle pain better!
At a gut level, this feels right to me. But the good news is, Bandura has done lots of research investigating how to turn this gut feeling into measurable science. Again, it’s hard to do justice to a massive theory in just a few sentences, but for now I will highlight two things in particular.
Guided mastery experiences
First, Bandura proposes that the way to improve one’s self-efficacy is what he calls “guided mastery experiences”. This makes sense intuitively. You can’t just get good at ping pong by reading books about it - at some point you actually have to pick up a paddle and play. The same applies to phobias. Bandura did some fascinating studies where was able to cure people of their extreme snake phobias in just three one-hour sessions. The trick is to have somebody MODEL the desired behavior. In this case, the phobic person can start out by seeing a video of a demonstrator successfully handling a snake. Then, she can be in the same room with the person. Then, she can try moving closer… then simply touching the snake once… then holding it… and so on.
Having a role model is essential because it helps the person change their self-efficacy beliefs. At the beginning, she has a very strong belief that she could never be in the same room with a snake, let alone hold a snake. But when she sees another person handling a snake, she can start to imagine herself doing the same thing. “I couldn’t even imagine doing that” turns into “I can imagine doing that”, which then turns into “I could give that a try myself.”
How to effect change on a societal level
At this conference, Bandura spoke about how he is using his concept of self-efficacy and guided mastery experiences in order to change not just a single person, but an entire society.
Along with a team, he created long-running serial dramas for television and radio which have been broadcast on a mass scale in Tanzania and India. In many parts of India, for example, the treatment of women and girls is a major issue. Girls don’t go to to school, are not encouraged to speak up or stand up for themselves. His approach was to design a television drama centered around a girl, Taru, who shows courage and achieves success dealing with the same real-life situations that Indian girls find themselves in on a daily basis. Taru becomes the role model for not just one but thousands of girls. The drama essentially broadcasts guided mastery experiences to an entire society using mass media. I think it’s truly inspiring stuff.
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That’s all for this first episode in my psychotherapy conference recap. As always, I’d love to hear what you think. So don’t be shy - leave a comment!
http://www.evolutionofpsychotherapy.com/
Check out more pics here.
Albert Bandura:
Martin Seligman
Donald Weichenbaum:
Ernest Rossi:
Marsha Linehan:
David Burns:
I’ve been reading a LOT over the last few months. Here are 5 of the most enjoyable and positively life-changing books I have come across. Enjoy!
1. Getting to Yes
A hugely influential and useful book for me. No joke, this has helped me improve ALL the relationships in my life.
“Like it or not, you are a negotiator… Standard negotiating strategies involve an attempted trade-off between getting what you want and getting along with people. The method of principled negotiation shows you how to obtain what you are entitled to and still be decent. It enables you to be fair while protecting you against those who would take advantage of your fairness.”
2. Don’t Shoot the Dog
A quick, fun, thought-provoking read that is also so useful it’s silly. Another one that has positively impacted my relationships. And who doesn’t want to know how to train pets?
“This book is about how to train anyone — human or animal, young or old, oneself or others — to do anything that can and should be done.”
3. The Importance of Living
The perfect antidote to the other “useful” books - this one teaches the noble art of being utterly useless. A perfect companion to a voyage of 7 days or 70 years. Also great to leaf through before going to sleep.
“I am such a materialist that at any time I would prefer pork to poetry, and would waive a piece of philosophy for a piece of filet, brown and crisp and garnished with good sauce.”
(thanks to Maria for introducing me to this life-changing book)
4. The Happiness Hypothesis
Synthesizes the best of ancient philosophy and modern science in order to answer some very interesting questions: What is happiness? How to find meaning? How are meditation, Prozac, and Cognitive Behavioral Therapy similar?
“By drawing on wisdom that is balanced — ancient and new, Eastern and Western, even liberal and conservative — we can choose directions in life that will lead to satisfaction, happiness, and a sense of meaning. We can’t simply select a destination and then walk there directly — the rider [rational, controlled self] does not have that much authority. But by drawing on humanity’s greatest ideas and best science, we can train the elephant [emotional, automatic self], know our possibilities as well as our limits, and live wisely.”
5. A Whole New Mind
A must-read for the programmer in your life. Presents a very compelling argument for exercising one’s emotional, intuitive right brain. And provides a wealth of resources to do so.
“Today we’re all in the art business.”
So there’s this general theory about life, and how it’s balanced…
Let’s apply this to the concept of personal growth.
How about we use me as an example?
How all of this applies to personal growth.
Therefore, growth is painful.
Everyone you know can teach you something.
Now that you’ve learned something, what next?
IN SUMMARY: How To Help Anyone Grow
(The best part is, you can apply these exact same steps to yourself.)
Oh, for those that are curious - when I applied these steps to myself, I realized that I need to work on all that whole fuzzy emotional universe where trying to be right is not just useless but counterproductive. Negotiation and relationships were the first two areas I tackled, and while I still have a LONG way to go in each, I’m happy to report some initial progress. Getting to Yes and Crucial Conversations have both been invaluable to me, as have my friends and family for putting up with my stumblings.
Dedication
This post is dedicated to all the people who have given me opportunities to grow over the years. You know who you are. Thank you.
In particular, the themes in this post draw heavily on psychologist Albert Bandura’s self-efficacy theory, which was introduced to me by BJ Fogg.
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Can you help me grow - right now?
If you liked this post…
(And even if you didn’t…)
Intro: why I love pets
I was playing with a friend’s cats this weekend when I figured out why I love pets.
I love pets because they want my love. They *need* my love.
Giving my cat Josephine things that *she* needs (food, water, cuddling) makes *me* feel good. Essentially, I have a certain need, personally, which is the need to feel needed, to love something which appreciates my love, and that’s why I got Josephine in the first place. I’ve put in considerable time, energy, and money setting up a situation where I am needed by this cat, just so I can take of her and scratch my own itch.
We think our pets need us… but in a certain sense, because they’re so good at scratching that itch of ours, we need them more.
Pets are way better at reinforcement than (most) humans
One thing that I’ve noticed over the years is that there seem to be a lot of people who have a hard time showing affection to their loved ones: family, friends, and (to a lesser extent) lovers.
And yet these same people have no problem showing affection to their pets. Why is this?
My theory is simple: people love showing affection to their pets because their pets make it easy and enjoyable for them to do so.
Pets are really good at expressing gratitude and happiness (purring, tail wagging). When I do Behavior X (pet the cat) and something good happens (cat starts purring), I am motivated to keep doing Behavior X. Borrowing some terms from BJ Fogg’s behavior model, the “pet the cat” behavior happens because three things are present simultaneously:
You might say that pets are very good at training humans to satisfy their needs using this behavior model. They can’t affect our ability much, but they can certainly motivate and trigger us to do desired behavior.
In contrast, we humans on the whole have a really hard time using reinforcement in productive ways.
When someone gives us a compliment, more often than not, we dismiss it or we get embarrassed. Or in a classic example, a mother will complain “We never see you!” when her child comes home to visit. The desired behavior was punished (complaining), instead of being positively reinforced (“It’s so good to see you! Here, I cooked you your favorite meal.”) And they wonder why their child never comes to visit!
We must realize that we are ALWAYS giving people feedback about their actions towards us, whether we mean to or not. And, even if they’re not consciously aware of it, the way people behave towards us in the future is strongly influenced by this feedback.
The good news is, you CAN increase the amount of love/affection/good vibes in your life by setting up the right feedback loops and reinforcing the right behaviors.
For example, the next time somebody gives you a genuine compliment, try genuinely thanking them. It can be very hard to do, in our society of false modesty, but it really is worth it, and it does get easier the more you practice.
Thanking someone for a compliment is an example of expressing gratitude, which is one of the simplest and most powerful reinforcement techniques. (Think of my cat, and how effective she is training me by expressing gratitude by purring.)
Your turn
Are there things you could do to make it easier or more enjoyable for people to love you, to show affection to you? Have you tried expressing gratitude, showing appreciation, or using other techniques? Please leave me a comment, I’d love to hear about it.
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Want to further explore the concepts in this post? I recommend:
The concern with reality - with “how I really am” and “who I really am” - begins with the emergence of the introspective self in adolescence. In the first decades of adulthood, most of us find out who we are by learning what we can do, what roles we can play at work and in relationship. But as the identity project matures, a new set of concerns about authenticity begins to emerge, concerns about the self as being rather than doing, concerns about the intrinsic worth, meaning, beauty, and value of the self. The emergence of these concerns signals the capacity for a new kind of relationship with reality.
Thus the identity project finally gives way to a completely new organizing principle of the self, a developmental event that I calll the reality project. As the reality project emerges, we being to relinquish our attempts to make life the way we think it should be, and we turn our attention instead to a minute and thorough inspection of the way life really is.
At the heart of the shift to to the reality project is the eagerness to investigate exactly how things are right now. The preoccupying question is no longer, “What is wrong with this moment?” or “How do I change this reality so that it conforms to my ideals?” but, rather, “What is the nature of this moment - precisely? How can I examine it more deeply?” …
With the emergence of the reality project, the “why” questions begin to become less important, like “Why is this moment the way it is?” Why questions take us into abstractions or concepts. They retrigger the delusions of the false self. With the reality project, the “what” questions become more compelling. “What is the texture, the feel, the feel, the experience of this moment?” As Rajneesh pointed out, “One is interested only in that which *is*, because only the Real can free you, only Reality can become liberation.” This is the developmental need that makes yogic practice and philosophy useful.
